Eggs Part II

Am I broken?

I'm a busy lady, I work and study and cook and create. I love my seaside life, I run on the beach and fuss over my husband, my cat and my dog but I'm also trying to conceive a baby with my other half. My husband is supportive and caring, he loves to give massages and talk to me about my work, thoughts and feelings. We laugh constantly and learn from each other daily, we share a beautiful life by the seaside and it's all truly wonderful with the exception of one tiny thing. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it has tainted our otherwise happy lives. My hormones are unreliable, they're moody, they're up, they're down and truthfully if they were another person, we probably wouldn't be friends as I don't think I could handle it.

That being said I sometimes feel responsible and guilty, that perhaps it's my fault. My body is supposed to do this wonderful thing, right? I mean I have the necessary tools, so why can't I make anything? Why do I feel like a hollow shell sometimes? Fragmented and broken. I feel an immense heaviness with each revolution of my cycle when I realise that August, November, March and May have not been our months. I plot my daily temperature and weight and all the business in between from moods to hunger, I don't consume alcohol or smoke cigarettes. I drink green smoothies and take vitamins enriched with folate just in case... Then sometime in the past week, a perfect stranger imparted some wisdom. Surrender.

I feel it's a simple enough theory but in the past few days I have felt a reassuring calm take over my body. Each breath feels deeper, somehow cleaner; each stride feels stronger, and with each passing day I reflect on my health with greater vitality and respect. I may have surrendered in the battle against my negativity but renewed hope has washed over me and in this fresh calm we will continue to try.

Thank you for all of your wonderful support from my first fertility post: Eggs Part I. The kind words, well wishes and happy stories about your own pregnancies and those of your dearest friends have touched me. I feel more patience and firmly believe that things will work out for us in one way or another.

Love Bella xx

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Eggs Part I

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

Women are born with all the eggs, or oocytes they will ever have throughout their lifetime. Our egg fate is sealed before we ever leave the safety of our mother's womb, having been predetermined during our foetal development. Unlike our male counterparts, we cannot generate more sex cells (gametes) during our lifetime, we cannot pause their release, nor can we reproduce at the ripe age of eighty.

Time it would seem is against us ladies from the very beginning. In my case, time has been against me even prior to me noticing those peculiar feelings of attraction towards another person. Then there was the time when it wasn't the right time and so I went about my daily life, living, experiencing and loving. I dated, I traveled, I cooked and drank and laughed and wept as my biological clock silently ticked from within me. I fell in and out of love a small handful of times before I met someone who made me desire something extraordinary with them and so we decided after lengthy discussions over hot tea, movies, dinner, drives through the countryside and even whilst floating on our surfboards at the back of the breakers that we wanted to become parents.

Initially we wanted to adopt and if I'm being honest, I still want to but there is another feeling that begins somewhere from within my body that gently urges me to want to try to make a miracle happen. To grow and nurture, to sing to and nourish a little being inside me; the perfect mixture of a beautiful Malaysian man and a gentle Australian woman. I wish it were as simple as doing everything right and it will happen but for a select few of us, it's not that easy.

There's an old saying that goes, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'. We women have two baskets, our ovaries and in my case, one of these baskets is broken, destroying all of the eggs within. Through no choice of my own, all of my remaining eggs are in one basket, which is rotten luck and yet my story does not end here...

Bella xx

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